Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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