Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
