I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
