I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Randomize
