I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
