i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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