I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize