i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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