it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
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