I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just tell him i said nine months
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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