rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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