What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
