Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
