my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
