I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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