Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
