if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
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