Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My breasts were aching with rage.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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