Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
