Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
