I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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