Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
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theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
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My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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