sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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