there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
