Your dad touched me again.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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