just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
