I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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