Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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