My girlfriend figured out who you are.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
