Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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