had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
