When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
