im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
