a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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