my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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