The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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