rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
