I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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