My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Randomize
