Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
