that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
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