Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
