Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
