They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
