Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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