yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
