it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
