If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
