Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
