dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
