So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
