I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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