life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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