i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Randomize
