I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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