five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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